It’s comedy time in the city and if it’s comedy time in the city I see no reason why it
shouldn’t be comedy time in this column. Stand Up comics I applaud but Sit Down comics I
hang out with i.e. the boys sitting at the bar who can tell a joke, or two, and good ones at
that. Here’s a election from those Sit Down comics (and others) and here’s hoping they create
a chuckle or two.
Jim was on his deathbed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and
two sons were at his bedside in his home in Belfast. Jim asks for two independent witnesses
to be present and also calls for a camcorder to record his last wishes. When all is ready he
begins to speak: ‘My son, Seamus, you take the houses in Cultra. My daughter, Geraldine,
take the apartments in Malone Road. My son, Jim Jnr, you take the offices in the city centre.
Bridget, my dear wife, please take the residential properties on the Lisburn Road.’ The nurse
and witnesses are astounded. They did not realise the extent of Jim’s wealth. As Jim slips
quietly away the nurse says to his wife: ‘Mrs. O’Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your
husband must have been a very hard working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this
property.’ ‘Property?’ his wife replies, ‘The fecker had a window cleaning business.’ * ‘The
surgeon said he’d have me on my feet in two weeks.’ ‘And did he?’ ‘He did. I had to sell the
car to pay the bill.’* I’ve got good news and bad news,’ says the policeman to the suspect.
‘What’s the bad news?’ asks the suspect. ‘Your blood matches the DNA that we found at the
murder scene,’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the suspect. ‘And what’s the good news?’ ‘Your cholesterol
levels are great.’ * ‘Do you believe in life after death?’ the boss asked one of his employees.
‘Yes, sir’, the employee replied. ‘Well then that makes everything just fine’, the boss went
on, ‘Because after you left early yesterday to go to your uncle’s funeral, he stopped by to see
you.’ * A navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check on his response to
trouble, the psychiatrist asked, ‘What would you do if you looked out that window right now
and saw an enemy battleship approaching?’ The young sailor replied: ‘I’d fire a torpedo and
sink it.’ ‘Where would you get the torpedo?’ ‘The same place you got the battleship.’ * Brian
was dying and his wife was at his bedside. In a weak voice he said to her: ’Dear, when I’m
dead I want you to marry Rodney White.’ His wife was shocked. ‘God, no. I couldn’t marry
anyone after you, darling.’ ‘But I want you to.’ ‘Why?’ asks the wife. ’Well’, he wheezed,
‘I’ve hated that bastard for thirty years.’ * And then there was the husband who spent so
much time in the dog house that he got his divorce through the S.P.C.A.! * Tommy: ‘Have
you ever heard of the Suez Canal?’ Johnny: ‘I have.’ Tommy: ‘Well my father dug it.’
Johnny: ‘Have you ever heard of the Dead Sea?’ Tommy: ‘I have.’ Johnny: ‘Well my father
killed it.’ * A lawyer opened the door of his brand new BMW, suddenly a car whizzed by,
whipping off the door. The police arrive and the lawyer complains bitterly about the damage
to his precious beamer. ’You lawyers are so materialistic’ said the policeman, ‘You’re so
concerned about your BMW that you haven’t even noticed that your left arm is gone’ ‘Oh
Jesus, cried the lawyer, ‘Where’s my Rolex?’ * Women will never be equal to men until they
can walk around with a bald head, beer belly and still think they look great * And here’s an
old favourite of mine: A farmer is tending his large flock of sheep in Mayo when a Merc
pulls up. A young guy steps out. “If I tell you how many sheep you have will you give me
one?” The farmer agrees. The guy gets out his laptop, connects to a satellite navigation
system and announces: “You have 1057 sheep”. “Correct”, says the farmer and the young
man puts an animal into the boot. “Now”, says the farmer, “If I guess your occupation can I
have my animal back”. “Agreed.’“You’re a management consultant”. “How’d you guess?”
“Easy, you turned up though no one wants you here. You want to be paid for an answer I
already knew to a question I never asked and now give me back my dog”.
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