Hair-raising - the Covid-19 cut!

This week, Gerry Moran tries a do-it-at-home hair cut

Gerry Moran

Gerry Moran

Oh my God – another two weeks (if not more) in lockdown!
What the hell are we going to do? Pull our hair out? Our long, uncut, unkempt hair (if you have any); our dishevelled hair crying out for a barber, a hair stylist, anyone at all with a sharp scissors and a bit of hair-cutting know-how who lives within 5km of us and who’s willing to give us men a quickie i.e. a short, back and sides quickie by the side of the house or in the back yard out of sight of the CP: the Covid Police.
And that’s just us men. Don’t care to think what women’s hair is crying out for. As a friend of mine WhatsApped me: ‘There’ll be no more blondes in 2021 – they’ll have all dyed out!’
And the jokes and videos and photos are coming fast and furious – some good, some bad, some indifferent.
And some absolutely brilliant. I welcome them all. And I welcome them all because they keep me connected to all of my friends on WhatsApp and Messenger. And, of course, they give me a laugh.
In the meantime my good missus, tired of looking at my unkempt Covid-19 long, grey, dishevelled hair decided to take things into her own hands.
‘Sit down’, she said. And I did. ‘What’s that you’re putting around my shoulder?’ I enquired. ‘A towel’. ‘But it’s damp. My barber wouldn’t drape a damp towel around me.’ My wife storms off. And now another cloth is draped around my neck and shoulders. ‘What’s that?’ ‘A tea-towel.’ ‘And are you going to clean dishes and glasses with that later?
And what’s that in your hand?’ ‘A scissors, of course.’ ‘Where did you get it? Because if you got it in the drawer it’s blunt and wouldn’t cut butter, let alone my hair.’ ‘Believe me, it’s sharp.’ ‘Is it too sharp?’ ‘Be quiet, will you.’ and she starts to snip.
I gaze into the distance. Actually, I don’t; I gaze at the telly. The Chase is on and Bradley Walsh, the host, (gotta be of Irish extraction) is cracking jokes and asking the questions. ‘Did you know the answer to that one?’I ask the missus. ‘I’m trying to cut hair’, she says, ‘not answer questions.’ ‘I thought women could multitask?’
‘Look left’, she says. I do.’ You’re not looking left’, she says. ‘I am.’ ‘You’re not.’ Do you by any chance mean TURN my head to the left?’ My wife sighs. ‘Of course.’ And I duly oblige. ‘You need to get the hair-cutting terminology right’ I chide.
‘Ouch’ ‘What’s wrong?’ ‘You nearly nicked my ear. For Godsake be careful. I need both ears now that my hearing isn’t what it used to be.’
Snipping and Snoozing
‘I haven’t touched your ear’, she says, ‘Now could you please be quiet, you’re distracting me from my work.’ ‘Work!’ I exclaim. ‘Work is painting and mending and mowing.’ ‘You’d know all about that, Gerry Moran.’ ‘Darling, I’m a writer, my work goes on inside my head’.’ ‘Well if you don’t hold your head still you could be out of work very soon. Do you yap like this with your barber?’ ‘I do not.’ ‘And why not?’ ‘Because he’s too busy snipping and I’m too busy snoozing.’ ‘SNOOZING! Why the hell don’t you doze off now and let me cut your hair in peace?’ ‘Because you’re an amateur and you’re holding a lethal weapon, namely a scissors, in your hand!’
Job done, she asks for my verdict. I study myself in the mirror. ‘It’s great but the hair on the left side of my head looks a tad - only a tad mind - longer than the hair on the right.’
I only told her that after she’d put away the scissors. My wife and I may well survive Covid-19 but I can’t see us surviving another Covid-19 hair cut.
Meanwhile, gentlemen, a few tips, in the event of a forthcoming Covid-19 Haircut: 1 - Hold your tongue (or you could lose an ear). 2 - Sit still (or you could lose the other ear). 3 - Regardless of what kind of a job she does – praise it. Praise. Praise. Praise. Lie through your teeth, if you have to. Otherwise you may isolate in the spare bedroom.
I’ll leave you with a description of a photo I received from a Whatsapp pal. A tall, thin, sexy looking lady wearing a mini so short she needn’t have bothered and whose occupation is obvious, is leaning in the window of a car. ‘For €50’ she says, ‘I’ll do anything you want.’
And the voice from inside the car says: ‘Can you cut hair?’

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