Column

Kissing ass and ass-kissing

Gerry Moran

Reporter:

Gerry Moran

Gerry Moran

Gerry Moran

This week some simple and engaging little tales that came my way during the Covid Lockdown and made me smile. And think.
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked beside him.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked that it was a shame that the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and the boy thought maybe they were right, so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked, ‘What a shame! He makes that little boy walk’. They then decided that they would both walk.
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey. So they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people who shamed them saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The old man and the boy thought they were probably right and decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story is if you try to please everyone you might as well kiss your ass goodbye!
A bird in the…….
This following fable I am familiar with as I have heard it told by the legendary Jim Maher in his unique, inimitable way.
A tiny little bird was content and happy. Winter was coming and it should have flown south but it was so content and happy that it forgot about it and then it was too late.
It tried to fly but it was so cold that its wings froze and it fell to the ground. As it happened a cow was passing and dropped a load of dung that fell right on the bird.
The warmth of the dung made the bird feel happy and safe. The bird couldn’t get up but it was happy and warm and began to cheep. A cat was passing by, heard the cheeping, dug up the dung and ate the bird.
The moral of the story is: not everyone who heaps s**t on you is your enemy and not everybody who gets you out of the s**t is your friend. But above all – and remember this – when you’re in the s**t, keep your mouth shut.
Maths & the secret to success!
Back to asses and kissing, the following comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 years experience. This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint and it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K: 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E: 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E: 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T: 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
And, look how far ass-kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G: 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%.
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it is the Bulls**t and Ass-Kissing that will put you over the top. Now you know why politicians are where they are!
Finally; The question you’ve all been asking (well the question I’ve been asking) what’s the difference between an ass and a donkey?
Answer: none. They’re one and the same, the name donkey replacing ass as the years went on. Oh, and a jack ass? Jack is the name for a male ass. And a jennet? A female ass.
Finally, finally – a mule? A mule is a cross between a male donkey and a female horse. And now this jack ass (when it comes to asses) is signing off.