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27/10/2021

Testing times for passport applicants!

Kilkenny Columnists

Since Brexit was voted in by the British our Passport Office has been inundated with requests from Britain for Irish Passports

Brexit is very much in the news these days and, as you are probably aware, since Brexit was voted in by the British our Passport Office has been inundated with requests from Britain for Irish Passports.
That demand for Irish passports has not abated; indeed, if anything, it has increased - so much so that those from across the water applying for Irish passports will now have to answer the following questions (in fact you can have a go at them yourselves just to test your Irishness.
Anything less than 99% is unacceptable)
1 Are Foster & Allen a) A clothing company b) A legal practice c) A musical duo?
2 What was Limbo?
3 Who cried: ‘Cockles and mussels, alive, alive oh’? And when?
4 In the event that you lose your passport what should you do first?
a) report it lost and apply for a new one
b) pray to St Anthony
5 True or false Johnny Logan presented ‘Just A Minute Quiz’.
6 Put the phrase: ‘sucking diesel’ in a sentence. Or two!
7 Danny is ‘fond of the drink’ Does this mean that
a) Danny likes a pint now and then
b) Danny likes a pint, or two, every night
c) Danny is a rip-roaring alcoholic.
8 If you’re a ‘ciotóg’? (pronounced: kit-ogue) what are you? And why?
9 Give another 10 words for ‘sloshed’.
10 The final score in a hurling match is 3-5 to 1-11.Convert the total scores to points. You may NOT use a calculator.
11 When did Daniel O’Donnell win the Eurovision Song Contest?
12 Where did Biddy, Benji and Miley hang out?
13 In his spare time Jack Charlton like to a) Play bingo b) Fish c) Play the yukele?
14 How much Confirmation money did you make?
15 Are The Brothers? a) A TV series b) A Rock Band c) A Religious Order
16 What was ‘The Bata’?
17 ‘That’ll put hairs on your chest’. What was your father, or mother, referring to?
18 Who put the ball in the English net? And what was his Confirmation name?
19 What is the difference between ‘going out’ and ‘going out, out’?
20 Where would you go for ‘a few scoops’?
a) Ice-cream parlour
b) Pub
c) The Press.
FACE-OFF
Staying with Brexit, the following came to mind as Europe and Britain face off over fishing rights and what have you.
This is the transcript of an actual conversation between a British ship and the Irish off the coast of Kerry in October ’98.
Irish: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
British: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Irish: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South.
British: This is the captain of a British navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Irish: Negative I say again. You will have to divert YOUR course.
British: This is the aircraft carrier HMS Britannia, the second largest ship in the British Atlantic fleet.
We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you change your course 15 degrees North.
I say again, that is 15 degrees North or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Irish: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
THAT SINKING FEELING!
Staying with things maritime, the English naval hero Viscount Horatio Nelson (he of Nelson’s Pillar fame) chose to be buried in St Paul’s Church in London rather than in the national shrine of Westminster because he had heard that Westminster was sinking into the Thames!
To the best of my knowledge Westminster hasn’t sunk into the Thames (yet) and that lighthouse in Kerry hasn’t moved an inch, let alone 15 degrees North!

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