Thanks to all my Facebook Friends (all 1.2 million of them! Kidding, Kidding) for helping me compile this year’s Christmas column.
Thanks, folks, for the fun-bits, the interesting bits and the very touching bits. I appreciate them and may I wish each and everyone of you a peaceful, loving and happy Christmas as I don’t actually know how to get to you all (in one post you understand) on Facebook!
First off a seasonal message – be careful about drink driving this Christmas as the guards are out there in force.
As it happened our Christmas party took place last night, sure enough the beer was flowing, flowing nicely down, and when it stopped flowing I took to the whiskey.
Come 2am and time to go home I wisely left the car in the car park and took a bus. Sure enough on my way home I passed a check point and because it was a bus it was waved on. I got home safe and sound. I never drove a bus before and I have no idea how I got into it!
* Ever since Eve gave Adam the apple there’s been a lot of misunderstanding between the sexes about gifts
* I love Christmas, I receive a lot of wonderful gifts I can’t wait to exchange.
* Carrots may be good for your eyes but booze will double your vision!
* Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach him how to fish and he can avoid the wife for a whole weekend!
* The 3 stages of Man – 1. You believe in Santa. 2. You don’t believe in Santa. 3. You ARE Santa!
* Your mobile phone may bring you closer to those who are far away but it will also take you far away from those sitting close to you.
* Stop posting your problems on Facebook and drink alcohol like the rest of us.
* And I just want to say that before we play the next Christmas favourite that we’re fairly confident that mommy consensually agreed to kiss Santa Claus
* I’m at that age where my mind thinks it’s 29, my sense of humour suggests I’m 12 while my body keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet!
* I think as you grow older your Christmas list gets shorter because the things you wish for can’t be bought.
* I failed my Health and Safety test. The question was: ‘What steps would you take in the event of a fire?’’Big f***ing ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
* A recent Women’s Ass Size study found that 10% of women think their ass is too skinny, 30% think their ass is too big while 60% say they don’t care – they love him anyway, he’s a good man and they wouldn’t trade him for the world! * We feel that knowing when someone is sleeping or awake invades their privacy, making a list and checking it twice contravenes the Data Protection Act, deciding if someone is good or bad is prejudicial and telling someone to be good for goodness sake violates their rights.
* Be good to your nieces and nephews, one day you may need them to smuggle alcohol into your nursing home
* Sometimes I sit and wonder why I’m not in an asylum. Then I take a look around and realise maybe I am. Reply: That happens when you work in restaurants.’
* I can’t believe how bad the wind was last night, I only slipped out for a litre of milk and got blown into the pub for three hours!
* Told the TV licence man – ‘No TV in here.’ ‘Well, there’s an aerial on the roof’, he said. ‘Well there’s a pint of milk on the doorstep, don’t mean there’s a cow in here.’
* My grandfather told me that he had seen the Titanic and that from the beginning he warned all the people the ship would sink but nobody listened to him. He warned them again and again and again until finally they kicked him out of the cinema!
* May you never be too grown up, to search the skies on Christmas Eve *
And so to a little bit of Christmas magic. You have 78 Christmas presents. Subtract your age from that number. Add 40 and you’ll have the year of your birth (if you’re 78 or over, sorry, but you’ll have to find another mathematical magician!)
Finally, to you the readers of this column (all 1.2 million):
May you have the gladness of Christmas which is Hope
The spirit of Christmas which is Peace
And the heart of Christmas which is Love.