Day in the Life – John Knox

Retired Principal of Gowran National School John Knox taught for 40 years, where he spent two years in Graiguenamanagh and 38 years in Gowran. John Knox shared his personal journey of growing up in Fatima Place, becoming a teacher, volunteering in St. Canice’s Credit Union and adapting to life with his wife after her dementia diagnosis.

The late Anne Knox, always liked to crack a joke. This photograph was taken at Christmas 2022

Sadly, John’s wife of 54 years passed away last November after a long battle. May Anne Knox (née Free), rest in peace.

In this piece John wants to emphasize the importance of spending quality time with loved ones and being frank about their struggles. John discusses his experiences as a career, highlighting the emotional, social, and financial challenges of caring for loved ones.

He emphasized the need for carers to prioritize their own well-being and seek support from others. Our conversation also touched on the limitations of the Care Support Grant and the impact of loneliness on carers' mental health.

Here is a glimpse into John’s world…

How did you and Anne meet?

We were teenage sweethearts. I lived in Fatima Place, and she lived just down the street on the Jail Road.  Unfortunately, they say never fall in love when you are doing the leaving cert, hence I had to do the leaving cert twice!

Anne was a much better student, as she had compulsory study every evening in the Presentation Secondary.

We used to sneak out most nights to the cinema, alternative nights to the Savoy and the Regent as you didn’t go to pubs in those days.

We would have been married 55 years this year. We got engaged in 1967, it was a great weekend as Kilkenny beat Tipperary in an All-Ireland!

We got married two years later and McInerney Builders were building houses in Beech Park which was a private estate of 25 houses. We moved in and were very happy there and had two sons John and Tony. We lived there all our lives, surrounded by lovely neighbours. 

Anne was one of the first volunteers in Kilkenny’s credit union, which celebrates its 60th anniversary this year, where she became the a teller.

She worked in the Tax Office in Kilkenny along with Gus Murray, one of the founding Board members of the Credit Union. Gus asked Anne, along with another colleague, Marjorie Begley, to become a volunteer teller in the first premises in Osman House on Butt’s Green.

Anne volunteered every Saturday evening from 7:00pm to 9:00pm., and when a sub-office opened in St. John’s parish Anne spent an hour there every Friday evening. When Castlecomer Credit Union opened, the tellers from St. Canice went to help on their opening day.

You also became a volunteer in the Credit Union.

Yes, and I spent from 1966 to 2000 volunteering. I went on to become President and Treasurer on two occasions, and on the Board. It was a very exciting time as the credit union was going from strength to strength.

You are a massive advocate for the awareness of Alzheimer's. You speak beautifully about how you gradually lost Anne over the ten years to it, but you also become closer to her in another way.

You do because you spend a lot of time together. There are difficulties at times, and you must be frank and talk about everything. Although we never talked about her having dementia. I thought there was no point.

We just adapted life and we just got on with it. We went to the shows, on holidays, to christenings, First Holy Communions and Christmas. We celebrated life.

Anne was still able to enjoy it right up to the end as she was compos mentis. She would always attract people in company because she was always quick witted. She’d have a smart remark straight away and that never left. Anne had a great sense of humour.

You used to introduce yourself to people as her memory and then you were demoted to her PA.

That came about from Dr Cusack, she was our GP and a lovely woman. I used to let Anne in to see Dr Cusack on her own and then I would go in at the end to find out what was happening. But eventually I had to start going in for the full appointment.

So, I became Anne’s memory, and she never took exception to that.

I invented the PA, (aka pain in the ass!) because sometimes I would have to tell Anne to do one thing or another. However, like all of us, nobody likes being told what to do. So, I used to say the doctor, or the PA wants you to do them. And then she became very helpful, and she helped me do what the doctor wanted.

It worked for us, and I would recommend people to do it. Let somebody else take the blame and you be the good cop!

There is one question that people always ask you. Did Anne know who you were?

I don't know if she knew me towards the end or not. I was a friendly voice and the person who helped her. All her friends said she was most comfortable when I was around. 

Their short-term memory doesn’t work so they only remember the person they married or were courting. As a matter of fact, they don't even recognize themselves. Mirrors are not a good idea to have around, as they won’t recognise the reflection.

Sure, what difference does it make, if they recognise you or not? You are a nice person who they feel safe with and can have a chat to.

They live in the moment, and you live in the moment, so just enjoy it. That’s what mindfulness is all about - this modern invention!

John, naturally you are grieving the passing of Anne, but you also did a lot of grieving before she passed away. What advice can you give someone going through this at the moment?

As I've said to people, I've been preparing for this for a long time as Anne has been dying for a long time. Everything was grand, she was able to laugh, crack a joke or make a smart remark up to the very end and I have always hoped she would be gone before the vegetable stage.  

You have to carve out a life of your own. For anybody who is grieving I suppose there's different stages they must live through. Anne was a happy person and loved life. We were happy and we always did things together, now I’m just doing it on my own.

I was involved years ago on a lot of committees which I had to give up, but recently I went back to the Archaeological Society. I go for daily walks, and I swim in the Spinghill Hotel. Getting out and about you will meet like minded people and those in similar circumstances as yourself. This is important.

I have more friends now than I did before because I was always busy with teaching, family, the credit union, and GAA. Now I have time! This is my time.

You have some ideas to help careers. Care to share them with us? 

There were two things that weren’t increased in the budget, and one was the carer's support grant. The family Carers of Ireland are looking for all careers to get an allowance, personally I think that’s too ambitious. It would be better to raise the careers support grant as you can do with it as you like and need.

I also think we should have a set down parking spot for people, not just disabled spots. Sometimes I needed to just use a set down area for a few minutes while I dropped Anne at the door somewhere and then headed to the carpark. It would be so convenient to have set down areas around the city for this purpose.

Also, when we were in Hawaii a few years ago we came across creches for granny and grandads. They opened from 7am to 7pm so their career could get on with a normal life and their parents were cared for, in company with others and well looked after. Everybody was having a good life, with the elderly people being able to live at home.

John would like to thank the support from the HSE, their Public Health Nurse Margaret and Anne's careers especially Helen who was with them for a long time. He would also like to thank Castlecomer Hospital, The Alzheimer day centre where all the team became family and friends and Teresa from The Alzheimer Society of Ireland.